Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Concrete decision making

The human mind can never be free of self agony, regret and fears, unless it stops baseless or trial-and-error type calculations in areas of life which require concrete decision making.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Ship and the Lighthouse

The ships come towards the lighthouse, the lighthouse never moves
They do not come for the lighthouse, but for the shores and beyond,
Many a cerebral thinkers, though authenticated, would this fact disapprove,
That light is just a medium, dark objects want to with something else bond

Matching the Relentless Prowess

He was dreaming a dream which wasn’t meant to be,
Which time had itself forgot,
Through all the skies he chose to see,
A future which seemed presently obscure somewhat
Too much water had flown above his mind,
Slowly the understanding of the inevitable,
Reasons of the earth sometimes seemed to blind
The judgment of the heart, usually kept very subtle
But rising was within his soul, and his desires were afire
The gods wouldn’t dare to intervene thoughts which were to admire
Benevolent though his thoughts were only to his loved ones
If everyone had his mind, the existence of the gods could burn
Always the rightful being is wreathed by the garland of death,
But above the will of the gods and the devil, was his wills breath
And an idea he was, and soon he died without any destiny fulfilling,
But the soul found another intermediary, human, hard was the killing
Years were the milestones of comprehending morality, and right and wrong
His battles began again, smiling; he just waited for the sound of the gong
Keeping the idea alive, he kept dying a thousand mortal demises,
But with each birth his will grew stronger, stronger now than the gods,
The consciousness questioned why such persistence always arises,
The heart said, I am only matching the relentless prowess of the gods, against all odds

Monday, March 29, 2010

Rainfall of bliss

Life wasn’t happy, but nothing to cry,
Looking at you, always made me wonder why
Why are my skies filled with a million fireflies?
And my day starts with your thought, not with the sunrise

Never did I think you also felt the same,
Silent, shy, you never call out my name
Since I now feel I know, only you forever I want to kiss,
My life has been showered with the rainfall of bliss

Your face lights up my eyes with calm fireworks
And your smile gives my sanity a sugary shirk
When you’re near, I think I still miss you
Days went by, clueless, but my love grew,

Travelling, as I see the fountains and the fields,
I can see us walking through them together,
Our love from the worlds harm I want to shield
Take care of you, yield our adore in every weather

What I now want to fulfill is in your hands not mine,
I am ready to take on anything for something so divine,
Alone with you I am always in my dreams,
When I wake up, I miss you to the extremes

Questions in my mind are now plenty,
Will your love flow like mine in a bounty?
But somehow I know you are receiving my love,
Which I am sending to you, heaven’s know that above

I only await your answer, a little to lose you I am scared
But even if you surpass by my love, uninformed, undeclared,
I still will know, my love is true and you forever I wanted to kiss,
And yet my life would always be showered, with the rainfall of bliss

Pathways of Ice and Fire

Sometimes, just sometimes, we attract through our wishful thoughts,
The land of integrity appear plenty to run, and roads appear as we chose to wrought
Then when we choose to walk with someone or something very close,
Acid rainwater befalls clean and as it starts to snow, so do disappear all woes
Walking hand in hand you can see the future – maybe a bit hazy but bright,
Fears and uncertainty vanish and all that continues living is delight
The cipher of life is defined by love, and till the end we want it to fulfill itself,
Someone – something to hold onto, and everything to pride the self

But life has a habit of being like the moon, at times shining and soothing, on occasion it eclipsed
The roads once roved, retrospectively turn in a horizon of thin ice, and you’re anguished,
Once chosen to tread further, the ice cracks open and down you set off,
Whirling in those freezing waters you might drown, freeze and at life you will scoff,
Choosing to stay in those frozen waters, you might survive; your heart freezes, all your virtuous sentiments becoming extinct,
Bitterness creeps within, logic prevails, the heart dies and to not live its life becomes succinct,
You institute to look at years differently, practically, and all the love and passion within you perishes,
But if you vary by vigor, ignorant about facts, your soul all alone, is full of blemishes

The path can also turn hard, rough and days breathing full of fire,
Your soul and heart can choose to burn, but instead, freezing your compassion may seem dire,
Smoldering in fire is torment; the truthful soul always identifies this ‘human’ pain well,
Times with fire are those, in which everything pleasant is missed and time gives the impression of hell,
But barefoot treading on those roads, burning, churning in thoughts of a demise,
Days and nights do not pass, but remember; fire always comes with a guise
Times with fire teach one to be empathetic, sober, genuine and not a heartless wall,
Thoughts become conscious, pure, the soul learns to endure, and overlook what is small
Feeling each emotion torching within completely, leads to a redemption
Comprehending life and its trails, to get up and to take the stand becomes a mission
Despite facing hurt and sometimes what is false, true to yourself and others you remain, splendor entirely,
You learn virtues and belief’s are bulletproof, even from enemies to learn affectionately,
Through burning the soul purifies and the meaning of true love is eventually found,
The strength arrives to never escape any trials and commitments, but to be with majesty crowned.

Though there are different responses for being hit by the unpredictability of existence, not all are ones to admire,
My belief shall always remain that mostly one should favour fire,
For the element of fire destructs, ashes are left of what should burn, faded is false attire,
What stays is something to yearn for, which is in significance much higher.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The one because of whom I realised...

I wrote a story 'Not how long you live, but how long you love' for a reader of mine, and I think that reader has not been reading me since quite sometime now. You made some difference in my thought patterns and now I think I am getting better at expressing myself through my words. I now know I also can write differently. Thank you - for your thoughts got me to a platform within me, and now I know I can write on any genre I choose. Astounded as I am, it happened - as I thought nothing could change my writing. Dear Reader, who got those thoughts to me, and made me aware I also come from another place, and on the basis of your thoughts I changed my writing style, I just wanted you to know, I miss you.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

This day, last month

Someone just spoke to me now, and this day last month, someone had exchanged 19 sms's, most of which were about committing to stay together, especially some words in the 'hindi' language which were beautiful. Strange how something can change so soon, and in a months time a scenario can change so much, that the person who sent the 19 sms, doesn't even communicate a word (forget about meaning whatever was sent in those sms's). Whatever may have happened, may have happened for a reason (and a series of events). Well, I always think (and I can't help to repeat this enough, even to myself) that everything deserves working out - without counting on which end the faults lied. But the other backing out of a commitment can make anyone lose his/her sanity temporarily and results in reaction. If only people could understand.

Why are words just words for the world? Well, I certainly know for me they are not.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Shadow

Stunned, broken, crying, I returned to my abode,
How things ended, and how this pain was bestowed,
Constant questions in my mind, constant tears in my eyes,
How everything which was sometime true, turns into a big lie?

Tired and weary, as I lied down on my couch,
Numb but in pain, I was not sure if for any feeling I could vouch,
To recompense for the darkness already within me,
The lights went out, and there was nothing I could see

Though the darkness, I kept lying still as a corpse in a grave,
The presence of my lost one, I all the more started to crave
As my feelings went through a rollercoaster, and so did the flow of my tears,
I saw a hooded shadow outside the window, to add and magnify my fears

Through the moonlight, the shadow for a moment lay still,
I blinked my eyes, the shadow disappeared at its will,
As startled I left my forced comfort,
The silence was deafening, and I felt to this feeling no resort

‘Get up boy; it’s just a shadow, that’s all’
I repeated to myself, in contradiction to all my bravery fall
Sitting up now, and on my feet in the darkened room as I stood,
There appeared the shadow again, this time without the hood.

It did not disappear this time, though I blinked long and hard,
Lonely, battered, in darkness with a shadow, all fear, no guard
Only my insanity could help me take such a stride,
I went towards the window, instead of choosing to hide

As I walked, my heart was beating a thousand beats,
Fear vanishes sometimes, and sometimes bravery self defeats
I reached the edge of my room, and to the window sill,
The shadow stay put there, watching me, making my soul still

Though the transparent shadow seemed dark at first, and I couldn’t see its eyes,
I knew it was staring at me, I wondered whether to face it was wise,
Slowly it moved more to face me, darker than it could ever be,
The shadow now lit up with a divine light, and I saw it was me

Staggered, I took a step back as I was petrified,
But the shadow stood there, still, ‘me’ personified
As I now dared and looked into its eyes,
The scary shadow also had the look which was wise

“Who are you?” I asked, my voice coming out shaken,
“I am you,” the shadow said, “and I have come to you, to awaken”
Hearing his calm but loud voice, I doubted my sanity, before I could squeal
“Go away, I am disturbed” I said, “And as it is, you’re not real.”

The shadow stood there still and now more opaque,
“You’re afraid to face your fears, hence I have come to rescue,
“I know you’re hurt, and battered and broken – but now nothing is at stake,
“And if you think you’ve lost it all, you’re in miscue.”

“What would you know,” I said, “It is me who is hurt.
“True values are not valued, the world is bad, and emotions are dirt.”
The shadow came into my room and now stood at a distance,
And from within me, I now believed, it had come to my assistance.

“I know what happened to you, and it is of such sorrow,
“But in all this mess, why do you fail to see tomorrow,
“Life is like this – hurtful, painful, and filled with people without morals,
“But to fail to try hard for winning, will just be of the truth, a denial.”

Hearing him, I said, “All is lies and truth which you speak about is nothing but pain,
“Why does the world thrive on making the good suffer, why do the wrongful gain?”
“The pain which you refer is merely for you to understand,” he continued,
“That truthful existence is a war, and by small skirmish’s you must never be subdued.

“Always keep your hands clean, and your mind right on track,
“For if you have a strong mind, it may even make the will of the God’s attack.
“If you shall lose in the course of you being rightful and just,
“Remember, even if you perish, glory is in such existence, and it shall never rust.

“Everything that starts has an end, and all of life will not always be the same,
“Sometimes the storms are the darkest, before the rainbow and the pleasant rain.
“And when life seems very austere, and it appears easier to escape,
“Never forget that a warrior is the one who stays and fights, and always his own future shapes.

Saying this, the shadow started carrying himself towards the window,
I now didn’t want him to leave, for by his words, my pain was overshadowed,
“Don’t leave just yet; there is much I want to tell you,”
“How can I leave,” he said, “I am always within you.

“I always was within you, in your best as well as darkest juncture,
“And if you choose to awaken me, strength is all that you shall capture.
“For life is too short to percolate any regret or sorrow,
“Cherish your happy times, as if there is no tomorrow.

The shadow then left my sight, but only my sight it seemed to leave,
It’s affirmative and fighting presence, was within me now I believed,
And now I learnt the lessons it taught me, in words very few,
And I now know that of the ship of my destiny, I am the captain, and I am the crew.

And now each time I face hurt, pain, immorality or inconsistencies,
I know how to look at and deal with the universe’s anomalies,
Because though my body is transitory, the shadow will never die or surrender,
And if a battle is thrown onto me, I shall be its best contender.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

A thought

People who do not recognise and accept something good which comes to them, and reject it or fight to get rid of it, are fearful of choosing what they subconsciously think they don’t actually deserve.

Futile Anger

Whenever there is a reaction based on someone else’s wrong – unnecessary anger can be wrong – despite it is a result of a chain reaction or you are mentally disturbed. Even I am not an exception to this – and whenever I have lost my cool and said or done things which are unreasonable, I am wrong in doing that (that being my flaw – which I have to work on). The most bitter experiences teach you about the most important facets as to how one should live his/her life (only if one is willing to learn – by the principle of Temet Nosce), and I always choose to look inside myself as well. And that makes me a better judge of what is wrong or right inside another person.

Anger is not the quality which makes great men – who want to achieve something significant if life. I shall shed off this habit. And as far as the ones who are wrong – they will meet their own fate. After all – you cannot help a person who doesn’t wish to learn about his/her faults – or is not virtuous, has hurt you badly. Such a person eventually self destructs, and you can’t save them even if you want to – even if you love them. I choose to not self destruct - and at least listen and gauge my own flaws - and rectify them.

A person – even though right – should control his anger – for it can lead him/her nowhere, despite you know the other person is wrong. Yes, because of injustice, oppression, unreasonableness - facing hurt of betrayal, one does get angry, but the person who is wrong will never understand it – or may not have the strength to face his/her own faults. I am glad I realise my own flaws myself and also listen to my loved ones when they point out there is some quality in me which requires working on.

Sometimes, despite you’re fearless, you have to let go fighting for something – even for proving something like commitment. That is because if you choose to fight for it, you fear that another loved one may suffer or have to go through an agony.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The cause and the cure...

I wonder if you remember our first special kiss
The one that melted our beautiful souls intertwined.
Why don’t you long for that kiss to happen again?
I close my eyes, and always picture that moment in time.

You said “I’m yours forever”, and I cannot like you forget,
All those times, and there was nothing in life to regret
As I have from the start, I will love you forever,
At anyone else I cannot now even look, and never

As the leaves tapped down on my window softly,
With you, the sun shone on my soul brightly,
Nature and this world seemed so very pleasant and polite,
Your love etched my soul pleasantly, and all my days and nights

But now it seems everything was just a good dream,
You have left me now, and every night it makes me scream,
Looks like the devil now resides within me,
Why did you change, why cannot the truth of my love you can now see

My tears I shed all over my shoulder, not yours.
In your absence, life feels like on my chest is a boulder
I believed you would never leave me, and you’re the only one I could ever trust,
But now you let this faith in me, with a lot of pain rot and rust

When I see you, my soul still lights up with aspiration, and hope
But the shade of your love has turned into a noose made of rope
You say you are with me, and to speak to you I always lure
But I know within, the cause can never be the cure

I love your warm smile still, and still remember your kind, thoughtful way,
I also remember and miss the joy that you brought to my life every day.
My love always coincided with this trust that you will not seperate us,
And now broken silence is all, there is nothing to talk or discuss

As I start on my already ended journey now, without you, clueless,
I don’t know where to take myself, or what to do.
I wish like you, I could just make this decision, justify and progress
But your presence is now engraved in me, and I just cannot see myself through

Monday, March 22, 2010

Future, choice and ignorance

If you think you have the means of looking into the future and choose to look into it, you may be confused if the future will be what you decide it to be and by sticking to your present path, can you alter your future the way it appears. Choosing not to look into the future would seem a right choice sometimes, if it seems to you that you cannot change the future anyways, or only you can choose what your future can be. If you chose to look into the future, and because of that, you change the present, the risk is that your future may not be what you actually could choose it to be had you not seen it, and that changes everything you could choose in the present, and in turn everything in the future changes, because you chose to look at it.

Though, be very careful about what you choose to care about in the present because what needs to be cared about may be ignored by you, and what needs to be ignored may be cared by you. So, the things which need to be cared about become meaningless for the present but may be important to be chosen to be cared about for the future as you want it to be, and maybe until you choose to care about them, it may be too late and your life may be devoid of any meaning whatsoever.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Not how long we live, but how long we love

Dear Unvarying Reader,
I have written some stories and quite many thoughts on these pages. I can't at all term this one specific reader as my fan, and she many a times hates what I write, or doesn't approve of it. With regards to stories and thoughts, I had received views that my writings are absurd, wierd or dark or about the occult. Well, we are all here to do what we are all here to do. I am built that way, and always write what comes naturally to me.
But this reader is important to me and Theseus. The reader many a times expressed that she likes to read stuff with a happy ending and a kind of a nice love story - in simple language. I thought I should get out of my normal mode of writing whatever I write and try a hand at this. It was a challenge for me as a writer and I enjoyed writing this a little more than my other pieces - as I love to challenge myself. 
So here it is my dear reader... my first work on something which is not my true style. Hope I have succeeded in my smalltime quest. And let me know what else would you like to read... from this dark writer.

It was 7 AM. Melissa climbed down the flight of stairs from her house to the pavement and unlocked her bicycle. The road was wet from the shower the previous night and as she rode it down the street, she could see the squirrels playing on a tree, as though dancing. The leaves rustled in the cool monsoon wind and made a rhythmic kind of sound. The moist air around was resonant of the sweet smell of earth.
Though the surroundings and weather were something which would even make a lackluster kind of person sing in a melodious tune, Mel was unresponsive to all of this. It was very reasonable for her to be that way, because of what she had gone through recently. A heartbreak. Her boyfriend had cheated on her. She had cried for long, and had had nightmares and also light effects of insomnia. Hurt by the incident – but she hadn’t turned bitter. She thought all the people were not the same and something within her made her believe that the good in the world was not lost. Since a few days, her thoughts mostly swayed to the horrible incidents which hurt her, but she tried her best to keep herself occupied with studies and maintaining and adding new gadgets to her aquarium at home. She loved flowers, but since long, the flower vase was empty.
Lost in her soft but hurtful thoughts, as she was going through a cross-road, a car appeared from the left and she lost temporary momentum of hitting the brakes and lost her balance, her heart started beating like bullets fired from a war gun. She closed her eyes. At that spilt second, she felt pushed along with her bicycle and felt the arms of a man touching her shoulders as she felt levitated in the air.
She opened her eyes with surprise and saw a man, a little more than 6 feet tall and little over the age of forty, she presumed.
“Be careful next time kid. Where were you lost?” he said, as he helped her to the side on the pavement. He had lifted the bicycle and moved it from the way of the speeding vehicle.
Mel’s legs were rubbery, as she was aware she nearly escaped a very ghastly accident.
Though she didn’t understand what to say, she had to say something. The man had just saved her.
“Thank you mister,” she said, her voice still shivering.
“It’s ok kid, you be careful hence,” he said as he saw her.
“Yes, I will. Thanks once again,” Mel said, and she pedaled her way forward.

As she reached her college, riding all the way cautiously and more aware of the road, her feet were now stable.
“Hey Mel, how are you today?” Gillian said. Gillian had been her friend since grade school.
“Fine, fine. Just escaped something nasty on the way, but there was a kind man who saved me,” she said as she locked her bicycle on the stand.
“Oh, we shall talk about that later. Men haven’t been kind to you girl, so you can stop using the word ‘kind’. You alright now? It’s time for math”, Gillian said as her feet hurried towards the corridors.
“Oh yeah, the dreaded math. I will flunk this time I guess. Numbers are just not my thing.” She said as she explored her bag for the books.
As they walked into the class, and the lecture began, Mel just kept thinking about the exams which were up next week.
Following the lecture, while all her friends were fooling around , pulling each other’s leg, figuratively, Mel sat down on the park bench, flipping pages of her math book, and all the math formulae and numbers made her feel she is dyslexic. She was worried. She knew she could not afford to not be up to snuff this time with math.
“Seems like you are thick with numbers huh”, a girl sitting on the same bench said. She had long hair, blue eyes and looked confident and mature.
“Yeah, my grey cells seem to hate math. Just doesn’t make peace with me no matter how hard I try.” Mel said, somewhat disgusted and wondering why this stranger is interested.
“Well, I can help you out you know. If you want, that is.” The stranger said, in a tone which was very assuring.
“Well, thanks. But why would you help me out with this?” Mel asked, confused.
“There are no reasons for helping anyone in need, is there?” The girl said, getting closer to Mel.
“Ok. Thanks again. By the way, I am Melissa. My friends call me Mel. And you are?” Mel led out her hand for a shake, and her trust in this stranger was confusing her now.
The stranger shook her hand with a smile which made Mel feel right as rain. “Janet. So shall we meet here tomorrow, post your college is done?”
“Yeh. Sure. Thanks. And do you study here? I haven’t seen you here before.” Mel asked as she got up from the bench.
“Oh well, I am a new student here from overseas. New Orleans. Don’t forget to get your calculator tomorrow.” Janet said, still seated, and smiled.
Mel, went to her bicycle and while she was unlocking it, she found the most red rose she had ever seen on the seat. She looked around but saw no one. As she picked it up, she saw on a petal, it was written ‘I Love You’.
She looked around once again, and was a little disturbed. She just hoped it was not a psycho who was stalking her. But she didn’t face anything like this since days, and nothing seemed suspicious. She plucked the petal and took the flower, and rode home.
She placed the flower in the empty vase on her window sill, and filled it with sufficient water.

The next day, she went to college, attended her lectures and met Janet as scheduled. Janet was brilliant. She taught Mel all the basics and the formulae with many a pneumonic so well, that Mel felt confident. After bidding goodbye to Janet for the day, though she didn’t express it, Mel felt very grateful to Janet. Six days for the exams and Mel was already feeling confident.
As she went back to her bicycle, the flower was there again, with the written petal. Somehow, she didn’t feel unsafe, and she once again plucked the petal and took the rose. On her way back, she was in a mindset of mystery. Maybe it was some of her friends playing a prank on her.
For two consecutive days Janet taught Mel the tricks of mathematics and calculus. And both the days she found the rose on her bicycle seat, with the petal.
The evening she returned home, Mel felt uneasy. She got a terrible pain in her head and in her stomach. She was rushed to the hospital by her parents. The pain was excruciating and the doctors gave a morphine injection to soothe her, but that was not helping her much.
In the hour after midnight, a doctor walked in. Mel was awake from the pain. He looked at her reports and came and sat on the chair beside her bed.
“I know you’re in pain.” He said.
“I am here for long now, and I will miss my exams. I will lose a year, and my parents don’t have enough funds to waste on my tuitions fees for another year right now.” Mel said, as a tear rolled down her eye, partly because of the pain, partly because of the worry.
“Don’t worry, you will be alright, and you won’t waste a year at all.” The elderly doctor said, as he touched her forehead. Mel immediately went into a slumber.
The next morning, she got up and felt as fresh as a blooming bud with dew on it. A doctor walked in with her parents – the doctor who had administered the morphine – and smiled at her.
“You have been saved by a miracle. You had a bad liver, and we were expecting you to get into a coma in the night. But somehow, all your reports are fine now. Your tests have come out clean as of 8 AM this morning. This is a nothing but a marvel. You can leave for home in sometime.” The doctor said, as he left the room.
Her parents hugged her.
As she was leaving, she wanted to meet the doctor who visited her in the night. She asked the head nurse about him, and the head nurse gave a look as if she had seen an UFO.
“There is no doctor in our panel who looks like that.” The nurse said. “Anyways, it is almost lunch time now, and you can check in this directory. It has details of all our doctors affiliated with us.”
Mel flipped through the pages, but didn’t find the old doctor’s profile anywhere.
Mel was surprised and awed. Who was he anyways?
Mel was advised rest for some days, and those days she stayed at home and studied math the way Janet taught her to. She wanted to give her exams and clear. She couldn’t afford to financially burden her parents anymore.

Each morning as she went out on her porch, the flower was there on the seat of her bicycle, with the petal, and Mel was now getting worried and surprised and felt nice at the same time. No one was stalking her and now her curiosity was increasing as to who is this silent admirer – and the one who claims that he or she loves her. For three days as she picked up the flower from her bicycle stationed on her porch, she placed the flowers in the vase which was now almost full. The most astonishing thing was, the roses never wilted. She felt some affirmative electricity around her which she couldn’t just explain and she chose not to think of it much.
The day of the exam arrived, and Mel felt confident. She had studied well, thanks to Janet. The test finished and Mel came out of the class, much to her dismay to see Gillian’s face stressed.
“Hey Gillian, what happened? How was your test.” Mel asked, concerned.
“I think I will just scrape through. It was the toughest paper in years. Mel, don’t be disheartened. I will help you cope the next time. Will teach you so you clear next time. I feel so sorry.” Gillian said as they walked towards the exit of the corridor.
“Hmm. Well. Gillian, infact my test was great. I think I will score at a 90.” Mel said, and Gillian stopped.
“What? Well, I mean… that’s great. But how comes? You dreaded this subject.” Gillian said, looking confused.
“I met Janet. She is a senior student from New Orleans. She met me at the park bench and taught me math, for a brief period. And it helped me. A lot.” Mel responded, then continued after a pause, “Actually, I should try and get her number and thank her. You carry on Gillian, I will visit the office and get her number, so I can call and thank her.”
Gillian and Mel hugged each other and departed.
Mel walked over to the office and inquired about Janet. The office replied that there was no student by that name which ever took an admission in this college. Mel was now perplexed, dazed.
Once again, on her bicycle, she saw the rose. This time she didn’t pluck the petal, and took it home – though on her way, she passed by the park. Janet was not there.
Nathan looked down upon the city from a height of the empire state building at 2 AM. As he closed his eyes, he could hear millions of voices. Thoughts of people swarmed his ears and he could hear them one minute at a time. From beautiful to ugly to outrageous.
“I can see you’re giving too much attention to a human. Your mind is crowded by her thoughts.,” Aurelius said.
Nathan got a start. “Father, I didn’t hear you coming.”
“I can read you Nathan. The most important principle we follow is not to get attached to any mortal. We are just here to answer our calling, and that is to save as many good souls from the trials and sorrows as possible, from the effects of Lucifer and the other evils which these mortals have created for themselves.” Aurelius said in a deep tone.
“I love her father. I have helped countless mortals since hundreds of years, but Melissa is different. She has no corruption in her mind, and her ways, her thoughts just make me want to be with her. It is something I have never felt before. I want to show myself to her. Talk to her as myself.” Nathan said, as he sighed.
“Do you even know the price of this Nathan? If you chose to show your true self to her, it means you will have to turn into a mortal. You will lose most of your powers. You will be imprisoned in a body. A fragile human body.” Aurelius said, his voice getting louder, and angrier. Nathan had been his only son.
“I love her father. And I am going to be with her tomorrow. Humans have such a beautiful institution of marriage. I want to marry her.” Nathan said, a little sternly.
“Mortals – though many of them are honourable – have to face other mortals who are evil. Many of them bleed. They suffer. They cry. They die. What is it worth? If you be with her, will you be able to help her the way you can with your powers now? Human life is unpredictable, dangerous. What if she dies? What if you die?” The voice of Aurelius now grew thunderous, with a tear wanting to roll out of his eye.
“We cannot prevent all evils father. Like I could not prevent her heartbreak. We are too limited of our powers. We are not omnipotent. But love makes all things possible and worthwhile. Even in trials and sorrows, love binds. Even if we die prematurely, I believe it is not how long anyone lives, but how long anyone loves that makes a human’s life worthwhile.” Nathan said.
“Well Nathan, I can read that your thoughts are unalterable, and you will do this despite you have my consent, or not.” Aurelius said, bowing his head.
“You can come and see me anytime father. I regret I cannot come and see you. I can only think of you.” Nathan said as he extended his arms to hug Aurelius – one last time.
“Think of me, and I shall be there. I cannot be biased and look upon you all the time, but I will be there when you think of me. Godspeed, my son” Aurelius said as he hugged his son.

After a week or so, as Mel rode out to the local departmental store, she was missing the flowers. The day of her exam was the last day she had found a rose. The roses were still blooming in her vase, and the enigma around it never left her mind.

As she left the store after completing her chores, the rose was once again seen on the seat of her bicycle. She saw a boy, nineteen to twenty-one years old, fair, with golden brown short hair and green eyes, looking at her. Mel now knew at once it must be him who left the roses all this while.
“So it was you, who left all these roses all this while for me,” she said as she picked it up. This time there was no petal with anything written on it. She didn’t mention anything about it.
“I love you Melissa, and I have been watching over you since many years. I am sorry for all wrong that happened to you. I just couldn’t prevent it. For it was based on your free will. I could only help you when your inner will wanted something.” Nathan said, as he came closer.
“I don’t even know you. Who are you? And how do you know my name?” Mel said, bedazzled. His other words partly were processed by her, and partly were unheard.
“I know. But you will. I am Nathan, and I live not far from your place. Shall we walk?” Nathan asked.
Mel didn’t respond and started walking with her bicycle alongside. She didn’t know what to say to him, and he spoke nothing. He occasionally looked at her and smiled. She tried her best from reciprocating to this.
Nathan raised his head and said, “The earth smells pleasant after some nice rain, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah it does,” Mel said as she looked at him and let out a faint smile.
She had many questions in her mind. Who is he? Why does he like me? Could I trust him? What is he like? Where did Janet disappear?

As they came across a crossroad, she was still lost in her thoughts. Nathan held the bicycle and stopped it. “You need to get out of this habit of wandering in your thoughts while crossing the street. Eight days back, it almost got you killed. Can you be a little more careful about yourself, please?” he said.
Mel couldn’t help but feel faintly in a fairytale. She was totally speechless the whole way, but something told her that everything was going all right.
As they approached her home, Nathan stopped and spoke to her.
“I know you have many questions. I am going to answer all of them. Can we meet for coffee in the evening at seven?”
“Yes.” Mel said.
Nathan left and walked half a block.
Just then, he turned and looked back. Mel was still standing at her door. He smiled. She smiled back at him.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Too proud to beg...

Pleasant are some journeys; painful are some
Why haven’t I yet understood, why do I become so numb
Grotesque they are, some of the destinations,
From a pleasant cloud cover, why are there sudden uncanny formations?

The lore of love is not the same as sought before,
Still the heart wants to into happiness soar
Expectations touch the sky and then fall with a thud
Despite from it I bleed, hope is all that within me floods

Battles in life are many, and they are unending,
But despite all of that, it is love that I am forever sending
Many a times I weep from this heart missing you,
From a feeling which I want to spin false, but is always true

Constrained by my own mind, and sometimes yours,
Yet as always, joy from many a sweet memory pours
But then once again, when I sometimes look around me,
I do not have you, and I feel strangled by your absence’s tree

I shall always love you this way, no matter what,
Let there be floods, or situations dry as in a drought
Though I hate somethings and I am too proud to beg, and a little virtuous to steal
But from this wound without a tourniquet, I do not seem to heal

All I can now wish that we can be together once again,
Be together, let there be storm, sunlight or even a little rain
Salvation which now I seek is only the precipitation of your love
Because there are many other things that matter, and there also exists a vow

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

She saw me...

One of my short stories...

I saw her once again. She was standing right at the same place she does– her garden which extends to her room. Her golden hair and white skin shone brightly in the setting sunlight, as she was drying her hair. The lilies and the roses made the small place looked splendid and her presence was completing it, making it look like a well placed bouquet. She is like a flower – only better. As she bent over and was watering the plants, I feel some regret - yet again – because the way her hair fell over to touch the ground and slightly sweep it. I wanted to hold her hair, and get lost in the thick dark cloud of it. I have been seeing her every day since the past two weeks now, but somehow it seems she doesn’t notice me. I have tried and waved out to her many times, but she just doesn’t see me. Maybe it is the distance – but then again – it is not that great a one. Over that distance I could read her thoughts, as I can read everyone’s since the past few days. Her thoughts were – uncorrupted. I kind of girl whom I would want to marry and get old with.

She spoke on the phone endlessly as the minutes of the early evening passed away as quickly as seconds – and I looked at her all the while. An example of the theory of relativity. Her smile, though scarce, was like an oasis in a desert. She seemed happy, and sad at the same time. It seems like she was speaking to a friend – a close one. She went back in her room and closed the curtains. One more day, and she didn’t see me. I waited.

The next morning – pretty early – I saw her. After a moment, she looked at me. I felt a little awkward. It seemed to me that she could see me all this while, and was ignoring me on purpose. She looked as hard and blinked as if she was going to show me the middle finger – as a gesture to not stare at her. I still waved, to act normal. And to my surprise, she waved back.

She was wearing black, and I suggested through my actions that she didn’t look that great in it. She went inside and got out two midi’s for my view. One was red, another was blue. I pointed out the blue one. She went in, wore it, and came out and turned around – and smiled with raised eyebrows asking me a question. I made a circle with my thumb and forefinger and the others up in the air. She smiled even more, and through her lip sync, I could make out that she said ‘Thanks’. She looked back suddenly – seemed like someone called her – and waved to me in a hurry and went right inside. I didn’t see her the whole remainder of the day.

The next morning, she came again, at the same precise time. I was there as usual, and she was the one to smile and wave at me first. She looked a little different today, as her hair was done up, and her skin was spotless. I was preventing myself from not staring at her. She once again got a call, and she waved and was again talking endlessly. This time, the smiles were showering even more. I was happy to just see her that way.

I went in and wandered around that empty place with nothing to do. No job, no one around me, no entertainment – no life. I was waiting for Michael. But he didn’t come as yet, I wonder why. I have not occupying this place always. I came to this place just two weeks back. The moment I came, I didn’t see her, since it was night. Even if I could, I wouldn’t, because I was over consumed by the fury and the shattering feeling of a broken heart.

The next morning, I didn’t see her at all. I could not see any movement through the day, the evening sun set, it got darker, and the night approached the city. An hour and a half before midnight, the lights to her room lit. She came out dressed in the most exquisite dresses I have seen on her. She looked like a doll. Instead of waving, she showed me her hand, her palm facing towards her. I could not understand for a minute – but then – I saw it. A diamond ring on her finger. She had been engaged to someone. Even if I felt dreadful about it, there is nothing much I could do – or could I?

Days went by and Michael came across a couple of times, and I somehow evaded him. I saw her each day and felt more and more magnetized. I couldn’t help but feel miserable. I wanted her somehow.

Today was the day of her marriage – I could tell by the number of cars parked near her residence and the people who swarmed her place.

I was not invited, but nonetheless reached the venue of her marriage following the car in which she was travelling. Jane weds Jonathan was clearly written on a huge standup lavender colored placard at the entrance of the venue. I saw Jonathan in the men’s room. Handsome fella. And his thoughts were clean - committed.

The wedding rituals were over and done with, and the couple was bid goodbye in the traditional way with a ‘Just Married’ sign on their car. They reached the venue for their first night, the Grande Salsa hotel.

After they dressed in their more comfortable clothing, Jonathan went to visit the washroom. I was there already and he didn’t see me. Of course, all these days no one could; save for Jane. I entered him quite easily as his body and mind didn’t resist. I walked out. I came close to Jane, and kissed her. I kept looking at her as she lied down and weary of the marriage, she went off to sleep. I kept looking at her all night long, and ran my fingers on her cheeks a thousand times.

Michael – the angel of death - found me finally, in the morning. But the whole night made the sin worthwhile. Jane – I shall truly miss you. I wish I hadn’t thrown myself off that balcony on that night when I came to that empty apartment. I wish I would have just waited until morning.

Stand by Me

A long time ago, in the 1980's, I came across this movie known as 'Stand by Me', based on a novel by Stephen King. I have been trying to get my hands on the movie ever since. I heard the song in the movie and the tune and lyrics have not left me since those years.

Wonderful song. Even more wondeful lyrics. I wonder how many a times do these really hold true... but I know that somewhere, someplace, people do love each other so much that they stick together 'no matter what'. I cannot share the song with you all in here, but I can share the lyrics. So here they are -

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid

Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear

Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

- Lyrics from the original song 'Stand by Me' by Ben E. King

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Greek Gods

Watched the Percy Jackson movie. It is about Greek Gods and their offsprings. Nice watch (more for those who are interested and know about ancient Greek history). Well, I am Greek so I definitely loved it.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Hearts of Clay

A knife in my heart, twisted and turned
Why would you not be there, you left me while I burned,
All chemistry now seems only acid
All feelings of you, far from being placid

How could you leave me while in you I had trust?
You let all bridges between us fall or rust
Crude, hurt and once again I am now lifeless
With all dreams crushed, there is nothing to do but digress

Deserting myself from this crowd,
Silently, I scream your name out loud,
Enjoying my time in my prison, locked away
Better than loving hearts made of clay

No sticks or clubs broke my bones
Neither did the spears rip my heart apart
Yet it was your words that felt like stones
And your virtues hit me like a million darts

With this mixed sea of emotions flowing within me,
Sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate thee
Dizzy from the very consciousness I used to crave
To the feeling of the grave, I am now a slave

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

More on Love...from Theseus... and me

I know despite I am angered, you tried to explain to me your thoughts and your rationale for what you think true love is from your side. Inspite of being encountered by so many mortal’s definition about love, I stand here and try to understand it’s true meaning, through you. I am listening to you, despite you’re disturbed – and it ache’s me to see you so - as you try and tell me what really matters to you.

The past, our bad experiences and ongoing inconsistencies and feeble mindedness do change mortal’s definitions sometimes. But what conclusion I come to when I decipher what love is about, it is something like truth. It does not have many definitions and is concrete. Truth either exists or doesn’t, and mortals or a million lies cannot change what it is. Love is somewhat of the same nature. It is constant. It can be misinterpreted, mistaken, satisfactorily defined according to a convenient definition; but can never be altered of it’s true meaning. Alteration of the true meaning of anything happens because mortals cannot accept the truth the way it is. They see things not the way they are, but because they want to conveniently see it in a particular way. The reasons for altering this state of things within the mind may be manyfold. Some may alter the definition to suit their own personality, some for selfishness, some to run away from guilt and well, there are so many reasons that it is best left to imagination or as infinite as the universe itself may be. In short, you either are in love, or aren’t. No mid convenient way can be chalked out, except to fool oneself.

What is love as per what I think? I think love is magical, intricate, complicated, inspiring, intuitional, blissful, incalculable, delightful and many more things which are positive.

Love is tolerant. It does not resent, it does not brag, it is not pompous. It is not rude, it is not selfish, and it is not easily angered. Love does not pleasure in malevolence but cheers with the genuineness of altruistic emotions. It always looks after, always persists until the highest possible level. It changes what may be the most important for you. It compromises, it sacrifices – all from within the heart, forever.

Hanging on a thin thread of hope, if you are left disappointed, I shall come to your rescue Theseus. I am not as tolerant as you are, and cannot take it when things are unfair. Then, it will not be about revenge, but about punishment. Good deeds deserve to be rewarded, and bad deeds deserve punishment, always two fold. I hope I do not have to "invest" my energies for this and wake up, as you make right now make me dormant within you. I understand you Theseus, but somethings, I cannot and fail to.

Rage being the medium of my expression as the destroyer of what is wrong, many a time’s people follow most of the definitions which are convenient and leave out the rest. Why? What happens? You know what happens; the enemies attack. Yes, love does not get easily angered. Nothing about giving and receiving in love can be quantified, but as the fuel of emotion cannot travel far if one way, so can’t the fuel of deeds. Deeds have to be reciprocated, and sometimes, love itself teaches mortals to kill their enemies. Enemies like double-standards, feeble mindedness, selfishness, not trying to understand, unrealistic expectations - without fulfilling their part earnestly, hypocrisy, blaming… the list is endless. Why? Because one or both in a relationship do not follow the “we” attitude.

This two letter word if etched into the soul permanently of both lovers will never create any issues whatsoever. And if you really think about it, it is not very difficult. If one is willing to shed all past reticence and keeps all enemies at bay, getting the “we” attitude is automatically there.

Most of all, love does not consist in binding and possessing the one you love, but in letting them free – for their happiness. True love always will always want the one they love to be happy – even if it means the one you love would be happy without you. Beautiful feeling. Simply beautiful. A feeling which only a non-mortal can feel. Rare, but not dead. Theseus, I think you have elevated yourself to the next level of mortality. Hope you are treated fairly and justly. Godspeed.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The grotesque journey into the truth

Nightmares will always attack just at the time when you think you can start sleeping peacefully. The sad key is not to sleep, and be prepared to face the worst – and fight out the darkness – and end your life in honour if you have to. – Marcus Hades

Each non-mortal warrior has to face the worst inconsistencies. The bad in the world is the same for all, but more felt by the ones who aren’t mortals.

I stand here and I can feel the truth closing into me. Surrounded. Without a sword. Only pure guts. The darkness is the only one which seems to understand me - my friend. Because it does not lie, does not cheat and does not ask questions and give ludicrous answers.

I feel pain today, and one of the worst since I have come into being. I wish to be devoid of this feeling Theseus. I am just an idea, but your feelings have even touched me – and hurt me. The body is burning and so is the soul, and so are some of the values and beliefs which held you together – the only chances of a nice life. Theseus, you are wrecked, traumatized and the heart is just not the same anymore, and I wish it never regains its true self, but grows stronger, as I cannot just tolerate the death of a good soul or an idea or a feeling. But that, I can just truly wish. I feel like I am helpless and cannot help myself out – because Theseus will not take any help now. The skirmish is yours to take, Theseus. You have to stand alone. Feeling every emotion as deep as Theseus does feel it himself, I myself can feel most of it – the price being paid by being in a mortal’s body.

They (the mortals) say that, take each day as it comes and everyday is a new day. They also say live everyday to the fullest because you don’t know when you are going to perish. But none of that is true for the bound sufferers. Life is long, each day dragging into the next and magnifying each negative thought each day. For now, I have lost the true meaning of most things – as I continue my journey into the darkness through my medium. And this time, the light of the end of the tunnel was the torchlight of the devil wanting to kill me – and eliminate every good in me. It has succeeded partly and I cannot help but be a witness some good things inside of me die. Time heals most wounds, but can never bring back the dead.

I do not wish to belong to this world. I wish to be cut into tiny pieces so nothing about me remains. I wish I knew to pull myself apart. I wish to bleed for real rather than the invisible blood I have bled, and there seems to be no tourniquet yet which will stop its flow. My heart was burning and I was preventing it from breaking into tiny little pieces, but failed. Failure is an emotion which is the most regretted. Can anyone (except mortals) withstand alone the continuous attack of bad memories, facts, inconsistencies and moralities?

As I sit here, not understanding what to do or think or act, the journey into the truth gets even more complex with every happy feeling encountered. Why is this world so bad? Why doesn’t ‘the good and truth touch me enough for me forget all the suffering? Why do people do what they do? Why aren’t definitions of right and wrong constant in the minds of mortals? Why is there no justice, why is there no punishment? Why is life such a fucking bitch only to people who are honest and truthful and want nothing except happiness? I wish only now that I was a mortal; a mortal to sin without any regret, a mortal to move-on, a mortal to just have useless and empty definitions and meaningless ambitions around their purposeless fucking lives. I regret to be touched by such feeble emotions, and sometimes, the strongest also shall fall.

The follower, savior, guardian and protector of the truth is always the one who going to be slain. This is a God damn truth and, God, I will fucking get to you someday. I will – no matter what. And the day I do, you better be prepared. I do not harm the innocent, and do not play with people’s lives – and I shall give you a fair chance, because I am better than you. It seems the ones who believe in you are the sufferer’s. But you will suffer one day, and I shall be the one to mark your descent – and then we can decide who deserves to go to hell. The one who doesn’t pray to you. The one who will never give up. The one who is not a mortal. That one will be there, at every corner where your inconsistencies exist… and I will become your inevitable and persistent guilty conscience.

All sacred thoughts are now sleeping, and some dead, under the lullaby of contradiction. How far can you go Theseus? How far? How far before you slowly wither and die? Should it hurt to love? All that stays are the questions with mindless and baseless answers.

I will not say today that I am there with you, because despite I am, you will not take any help from me, because my ways are a little more unorthodox than yours. Hope you find your way. But I will not rest – not until I make a way for you – for your happiness. Should you need the help of this old friend, just give me a shout and I shall be there. I promise. But then, do not question my ways – which are as always – non-mortal and unchanging. The truth will set you free someday.

Endure this moment. Do not run. Temet Nosce Theseus - Temet Nosce. There is no better time to know yourself than now, and remember, that is where the power lies. The power of truth. Even if it kills you.