Monday, July 23, 2012

The frustrated in-between; the unknown beginning

Security - I don't know if its a good thing.

As I write this, I am almost mentally kicking myself of how much time I have wasted thinking if security is an essential in life. I am working my way through a 'normal' life - job and all, weekends spent lazying, city, traffic, earnings, savings, investments, et al. Meeting some people, some emotionally connected phone calls, some pure 'blah.'

But today, just today, looking at a piece of paper made me think - how secure am I really? In a world where anyone and anything can shuffle my cards - what can I measure my security by? By how much money I have or save? By my purchasing power? By how my family and friends are; and how they will be with me? By giving a thought if I am or not (or should be) in a stable relationship? By how much knowledge I have, and how much is going to 'cash me in?' By what measures people think I am secure / settled? By what measures I can keep the others happy, or do "good" to the world?

The voice within me lurked at me at me at first, and then burst out laughing. "Nothing is secure!" it said. "Nothing is secure, unless you are 'living.' 

It is true, I guess. It can be all, some of the above - or none of the above. It is just what makes you truly happy (and not what you are programmed to think that should make you truly happy)

I know it has been long that I wish to break the handcuffs from this life in which I am thrown into (though I am grateful for quite some aspects of it, seriously!) a great unknown pit - which others seem to know so very fucking well.

I realized today that I took many many things for granted. One of them - and one of the most important one - is my urge to write. I took it for granted that how for 25 years, I dreaded reading alone - and here I am, wanting to just write.I took it for granted that without being a reader, I have the urge to write fiction, and the itch to etch stories - to tell the tales which I wish to be my first reader of. I took it for granted that I have it in me to take a stride and have the will to be on my own. I took it for granted that people who put me down at all points in life were failures in some way in their own life and emotional quotients - a sad kind of lame thinking - and that I knew much more than them, all the time. I took it for granted that I have the inseparable spirit to wake up to my mistakes and admit them - the spirit to change and adapt, and not sink in the quicksand of some warped kind of constancy which is mistaken for virtue.

So - what would it require? I don't exactly know. But I surely know of what it won't require. My journey hence is just going to be trying to avoid the unnecessary to the truest extent possible - at least for beginning it.

So, there have to be decisions now. Tough decisions. Decisions which make me dubious of my own existence. Decisions which seem too large - too much to handle (but I am 'normal' 'selfish' 'chauvinist' and a 'complete failure at making anyone happy' - the nasty critic who dwells within me says). And those decisions are not on display, but rather to be taken more than a mere resolve.  And honestly, I don't care who is with me and who isn't. In fact, I wish to take this journey on my own. I wish to stand on my own feet - or die.

People are going to have issues with this change. But I can't help it. I have a life to live; I have a life to fight for, and not give in; to achieve what I aspire - or die in the process - and make it secure.