Broke my record for the past 2 years today. Right now, I am intoxicated. I can hear some bats screeching and I just wish they could come and eat me up. It is interesting to note what alcohol can do to a man – and what it does to me at least. I have heard men say they enter a state of bliss when they drink. They get into a false sense of wellbeing, which they are happy to welcome, of course. Though my intention is to enter in a false sense of wellbeing, I never am able to achieve that. Somehow, I trust this happens because of my affinity for the truth, no matter however harsh it can get. I am not a runner. I cannot run away from anything. Be it a truth which hurts, a monster, God or simply a series of hurtful and heartfelt emotions. In fact, what alcohol does to me is magnify my current thought processes. I feel everything completely – no holds barred. I believe the materialism is so very addictive to the common soul that many a times we fail to see what is good or bad for us when we are so called ‘sane’. After drinking all this, I feel every emotion to its fullest, and I trust I would cheat my mind if I would let the materialism not translate the true language of truth or an emotion. Be it love, missing someone, anger, hatred, disappointment… the works.
The combination number above is very special to me for the significance it carries in my heart - and always shall. I will never hate it and it is somehow etched in me. Unlike many others, I cannot ‘move-on’ just like that. I think I need a truck load of alcohol and countless cigarettes. I just want all the good emotions inside of me to die. I cannot tolerate it when any good emotion or feelings translates into a dream, and then the dream dies a premature death. It is worse than killing a baby in a womb, who does not even yet know of its existence. A chance deserves to be given for anything in this world. No one person can be a sole judge that a thing should begin or end, if it is associated with another. Even a criminal under natural laws across the world is given a chance to speak for himself.
My attempts are still on, and maybe someday, I can see all is fine in this world for the periods I am intoxicated, so at least that many less hours I am in a state of a false bliss.