Monday, March 1, 2010

The grotesque journey into the truth

Nightmares will always attack just at the time when you think you can start sleeping peacefully. The sad key is not to sleep, and be prepared to face the worst – and fight out the darkness – and end your life in honour if you have to. – Marcus Hades

Each non-mortal warrior has to face the worst inconsistencies. The bad in the world is the same for all, but more felt by the ones who aren’t mortals.

I stand here and I can feel the truth closing into me. Surrounded. Without a sword. Only pure guts. The darkness is the only one which seems to understand me - my friend. Because it does not lie, does not cheat and does not ask questions and give ludicrous answers.

I feel pain today, and one of the worst since I have come into being. I wish to be devoid of this feeling Theseus. I am just an idea, but your feelings have even touched me – and hurt me. The body is burning and so is the soul, and so are some of the values and beliefs which held you together – the only chances of a nice life. Theseus, you are wrecked, traumatized and the heart is just not the same anymore, and I wish it never regains its true self, but grows stronger, as I cannot just tolerate the death of a good soul or an idea or a feeling. But that, I can just truly wish. I feel like I am helpless and cannot help myself out – because Theseus will not take any help now. The skirmish is yours to take, Theseus. You have to stand alone. Feeling every emotion as deep as Theseus does feel it himself, I myself can feel most of it – the price being paid by being in a mortal’s body.

They (the mortals) say that, take each day as it comes and everyday is a new day. They also say live everyday to the fullest because you don’t know when you are going to perish. But none of that is true for the bound sufferers. Life is long, each day dragging into the next and magnifying each negative thought each day. For now, I have lost the true meaning of most things – as I continue my journey into the darkness through my medium. And this time, the light of the end of the tunnel was the torchlight of the devil wanting to kill me – and eliminate every good in me. It has succeeded partly and I cannot help but be a witness some good things inside of me die. Time heals most wounds, but can never bring back the dead.

I do not wish to belong to this world. I wish to be cut into tiny pieces so nothing about me remains. I wish I knew to pull myself apart. I wish to bleed for real rather than the invisible blood I have bled, and there seems to be no tourniquet yet which will stop its flow. My heart was burning and I was preventing it from breaking into tiny little pieces, but failed. Failure is an emotion which is the most regretted. Can anyone (except mortals) withstand alone the continuous attack of bad memories, facts, inconsistencies and moralities?

As I sit here, not understanding what to do or think or act, the journey into the truth gets even more complex with every happy feeling encountered. Why is this world so bad? Why doesn’t ‘the good and truth touch me enough for me forget all the suffering? Why do people do what they do? Why aren’t definitions of right and wrong constant in the minds of mortals? Why is there no justice, why is there no punishment? Why is life such a fucking bitch only to people who are honest and truthful and want nothing except happiness? I wish only now that I was a mortal; a mortal to sin without any regret, a mortal to move-on, a mortal to just have useless and empty definitions and meaningless ambitions around their purposeless fucking lives. I regret to be touched by such feeble emotions, and sometimes, the strongest also shall fall.

The follower, savior, guardian and protector of the truth is always the one who going to be slain. This is a God damn truth and, God, I will fucking get to you someday. I will – no matter what. And the day I do, you better be prepared. I do not harm the innocent, and do not play with people’s lives – and I shall give you a fair chance, because I am better than you. It seems the ones who believe in you are the sufferer’s. But you will suffer one day, and I shall be the one to mark your descent – and then we can decide who deserves to go to hell. The one who doesn’t pray to you. The one who will never give up. The one who is not a mortal. That one will be there, at every corner where your inconsistencies exist… and I will become your inevitable and persistent guilty conscience.

All sacred thoughts are now sleeping, and some dead, under the lullaby of contradiction. How far can you go Theseus? How far? How far before you slowly wither and die? Should it hurt to love? All that stays are the questions with mindless and baseless answers.

I will not say today that I am there with you, because despite I am, you will not take any help from me, because my ways are a little more unorthodox than yours. Hope you find your way. But I will not rest – not until I make a way for you – for your happiness. Should you need the help of this old friend, just give me a shout and I shall be there. I promise. But then, do not question my ways – which are as always – non-mortal and unchanging. The truth will set you free someday.

Endure this moment. Do not run. Temet Nosce Theseus - Temet Nosce. There is no better time to know yourself than now, and remember, that is where the power lies. The power of truth. Even if it kills you.

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